Overcoming Your Fear of Conflict
Moving through conflict is one of the key skills needed to navigate any relationship, including work relationships. The truth is that being able to move through conflict in a healthy way is what makes or breaks a relationship. Without an ability to deal with differences, find common ground and come up with solutions, a relationship is unlikely to succeed. This is also true in the workplace environment and any limiting beliefs and fears around conflict we have in our personal lives will likely show up in our professional life. Since one of the main factors in being not only successful but also happy in the workplace is the ability to build strong relationships, navigating conflict well is imperative. For example, if you feel you should have been promoted and did the work to get promoted and your Boss didn’t promote you, you might not be able to move forward and continue performing in your role without the crucial conversation of why the choice was made. Being willing to have the conversation in a healthy way will allow you to move forward based on what you learned while also advocating for yourself.
Since being comfortable with conflict is so important, here are some steps you can take to overcome your fear of conflict:
Understand Your Fears
Gauge the Situation
Where Appropriate, Engage in Conflict
Repair the Relationship
Repeat
Understand Your Fears
To overcome a fear of conflict, it’s important to figure out what the fear stems from. Ask yourself the questions ‘Why am I afraid of conflict?’ and ‘Why do I avoid conflict?’. The answers vary from person to person but it can stem from situations in the past where conflict provoked an unhealthy response from someone and there was a lack of psychological safety. If you have never experienced a situation where conflict was productive, it makes sense why you would avoid it. Whatever happened in the past, it's important to be able to have critical conversations in the present.
Sometimes, people avoid conflict to be perceived as ‘nice’, ‘low maintenance’ or ‘easygoing’ in a relationship. The fact is that it’s normal for every human being to have needs and to hope to have them met. It’s part of any healthy relationship to be able to ask to have your needs met. If it’s uncomfortable for you to acknowledge your needs or ask for them to be met, it’s important to examine the why behind that for you.
Another common reason for avoidance of conflict is the belief that nothing will change. While this may have been true in the past, you have to give a new relationship and new person or company a chance to change or be different. You don’t know what will happen unless you actually engage in the conflict.
When there is a power dynamic in a relationship such as a boss and an employee it’s common to feel a little more anxiety about the conflict. In that case, it’s normal to worry that a conflict gone bad could negatively affect your career. In that situation, it's especially important to gauge the situation and ensure you think it will be a productive conflict before you engage.
Gauge the Situation
Before you decide to engage in conflict, it’s important to decide if this is a situation where the conflict will be solved in a productive and psychologically healthy manner. I have talked about personality disorders before and if you may be in a situation with someone who has a personality disorder, it’s not a good idea to engage in conflict in these situations. Having experiences with people with personality disorders is one of the reasons people are afraid of conflict so don’t allow yourself to get sucked into a conflict or a fight with someone who will not engage with you in a healthy way. If you aren’t sure when it’s safe, I recommend taking time to assess your situation and look out for personality disorders’.
Also, there are some situations where someone doesn’t have a personality disorder but they are unwilling to change or are not interested in resolving the conflict. Maybe they see no problem and don't want to engage. Whatever the reason, it’s impossible to engage in productive conflict with someone who doesn’t want to take part in it.
If you are in one of these situations, do the best you can but don’t expect resolution until you can walk away from the situation.
Where Appropriate, Engage in Conflict
In situations where there is no personality disorder present and someone is willing to engage with you, you can go ahead with the conflict. Start with a topic that you feel is easiest to resolve first to build the conflict muscle in the relationship. Don’t start with the most contentious issue first before you have enough trust and confidence in the relationship to know that you can overcome challenges.
Make it easy on yourself by starting with conflict with the person you feel most comfortable doing it with and starting with a difficult conversation around a low stakes issue that will be easier to navigate than more challenging topics.
Also, it’s a good idea to engage in conflict at a time that works for both parties. Asking anyone involved ‘when would be a good time to talk about this topic?’ is a good idea. Choosing a time that works for everyone is more likely to result in a positive outcome for both sides.
When it's time to engage, bring up what is going on for you, why it's important to you and how you want things to change. Make sure you listen to the other point of view. Sometimes people need time to think about what you said so allow time for a person to respond. Sometimes it may even take a few meetings to move through conflict because one party needs time to sort things out. Once both sides have been heard and understood, that's the best time to collaborate on the right solution.
Repair the Relationship
Healthy relationships should have a healthy balance of trust building activities as well as necessary conflict. After you have had a conflict that may have left both parties feeling a little raw and vulnerable, do some trust building activities that build common ground and positive experiences for both parties. It can be as simple as going to lunch or a team activity.
To build a strong relationship, make sure you are engaging in a balance of trust building activities with the conflict to repair and renew a relationship.
Repeat
Follow these steps everywhere you have a situation that requires a challenging conversation. Once you get the hang of it, having difficult conversations will be a natural part of your life.
While conflict is not something most people enjoy, anyone with healthy relationships in and out of work has worked out how to move through conflict with people in a way that is a positive experience for all. Understanding your fears around conflict will help you make a change because it’s possible to overcome your conditioning based on past experiences. Once you get used to having the type of conflict that moves a relationship forward and builds resilience, you will see conflict as a good use of time to move through personal differences and help everyone get back to business.