Is it Safe for me to Set Boundaries?
Setting boundaries is a topic that comes up again and again in coaching and I already touched upon setting boundaries as a leader, but I also want to address the topic of boundaries when it comes to setting them as an individual who is part of a system. If you want to start setting boundaries at work, assessing the system you are in and whether it’s really safe for you to set boundaries is essential. When boundaries are discussed, often the onus is placed on the individual to be strong and to stand up for themselves, making it seem like not setting boundaries is a personal failure. I want to take a step back and think about setting boundaries as it relates to systems and take into consideration the fact that often people can’t set boundaries in the systems they are in, and setting boundaries can lead to negative consequences for them as part of unhealthy systems.
Although your boss is a large part of whether you can set boundaries at work, it’s not just about the type of person your boss is. You can have a great boss that wants to give you work life balance but if your peers don’t respect your boundaries or executives reach out to you directly to get things done, it won’t matter what your boss does, because the system doesn’t support your needs. This is why it's important to address the system dynamics when talking about boundaries. A great boss can help you work within a system to get your needs met, but sometimes there is only so much one person can do if the system doesn’t support people’s personal boundaries as part of its culture.
When working with clients, I usually see three types of systems when it comes to boundaries:
A system where it is safe to set boundaries
A system that is evolving and changing and can become a safe place to set boundaries
A system in which it is not safe to set boundaries
All businesses can have various types of systems and systems are dynamic so they can fluctuate from being one type of system to another type of system at any point. A large part of my career as a coach has been spent transforming organizations and teams to help them deliver results and become great places to work so I can attest to the fact that most systems are capable of changing.
As a person who wants to set boundaries, it's important to be able to evaluate what type of system you are a part of so that you can ensure that if and when you set boundaries, you are set up to be respected with them. If you are not in a healthy system or a great company culture, you may even decide that you would rather wait to start setting boundaries until you are a part of a system that supports boundaries. Every situation is different and only you know what’s best for you and your career at any given moment.
Let’s take some time breaking down each type of system and what to look for:
Safe Systems
In a system where it is safe to set boundaries, you will generally have psychological safety knowing that who you are and your opinion matters. Some of these cultures will expressly state how important to them it is that you have work-life balance. My experience working at Ancestry is a great example. When I worked there, team members were encouraged to leave by 5 pm to go spend time with their families. Even executives were encouraged to show the same level of dedication to their lives outside of work as individual contributors were. Accountability to your work was expected, but you were encouraged to do that within the limitations of a reasonable work week. Sometimes you can be in this type of system and not even know it. I had a client who was afraid of setting boundaries with her boss, and limiting her availability when she was with her family. When she finally worked up the courage to have the conversation, her boss was supportive and worked with her to maintain her boundaries. All of her worries and fears around standing up for herself and sharing her needs as an employee were unfounded.
Evolving Systems
Sometimes I will see a system that is evolving from an unbalanced system to a system that is better at supporting employee needs. One example of this is moving from a system that expects people to be online 24/7 to a more relaxed environment where employees are allowed to work at a more sustainable pace. This is very common as companies transition from hustling as a startup to prove themselves to becoming a successful, established company. In these systems, it’s possible for people to set new boundaries but sometimes it's hard to establish new boundaries when this happens. I have worked with several people who couldn’t get into a new habit of working less, after years of grinding to build a company, and could only reestablish healthy boundaries being in a new environment. Changing companies to set boundaries isn’t necessary, although it will take work and discipline to create new patterns in an already established system you have been a part of for years.
I had a client in this situation with a boss who worked all the time, even outside of normal work hours. When my client approached her boss about not working past 6 pm anymore because of her responsibilities as a new mom, her boss was supportive but unsure how to make this work. With some trial and error, open communication and a respect for each other the pair figured it out so that both parties got their needs met while also not missing any important work deadlines. This is a great example of a system and a relationship that is flexible once you are clear about expressing a need.
Psychologically Unsafe Systems
On the opposite end of systems that promote employee well being and work life balance are the systems that expect you to sacrifice yourself for the company. This could be your time with family, your health, or your integrity. This can manifest in different ways but these are the systems to be wary of if you want to live a balanced life. No matter what you say, you might never get your needs met in these systems and setting boundaries could, in fact, result in negative outcomes for you, from being fired to being demoted. In some of the most toxic systems I have witnessed, employees boundaries are blatantly ignored and sometimes employees are even belittled for attempting to set boundaries and take care of themselves. In these systems, you have a choice whether to risk a negative outcome or to put up with it. It's in these types of systems where I often see high attrition rates. Not many people enjoy working in this kind of environment so employees will often only stay until something better comes along. Also, keep in mind that not many people will sign up for this type of work culture so these types of systems often disguise themselves as great places to work. It’s only after being at a company like this for a few months that my clients realize what is going on and can take steps to make changes. It’s important to observe how people are treated and whether leadership’s actions are congruent with their words before you make up your mind as to what type of system you are a part of.
If you are new to setting boundaries, I would encourage you to gauge what type of system you are in before you make a choice as to how to proceed. If you find that you are in a system you believe will respect your boundaries, you can follow the steps in this article to start setting healthy boundaries. If you aren’t sure what the outcome will be when you set a boundary, make sure you are aware of possible consequences so you can make the right choice for you when it comes to setting boundaries.