Dealing with Difficult People in the Workplace

Let’s face it, a lot of our success in the workplace depends on our ability to build and to maintain relationships at work. I’ve already written about networking and its importance to careers, but there is another aspect of relationships that is important as well: dealing with challenging relationships and difficult people. How do you build and manage a relationship with someone you find challenging to work with? 

While no one enjoys this situation, it provides us with a unique opportunity to improve our connection skills and flexibility while also learning to discern when it's worth it to work on a relationship.

What is a Difficult Person?

There are many types of challenging personalities but for this article I am referring to someone you don’t get along with personally or someone who doesn’t get along well with anyone. It can be anyone who challenges you not to bring out your worst self. With the increase in people naming what they believe to be narcissism, it can feel difficult to decipher whether someone has a personality disorder and should be avoided or whether it's your actual relationship that needs work. A great resource to be able to recognize the types of people you should avoid and be careful about is a book called 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life. Being able to recognize harmful patterns in people that can’t be changed will empower you to make the best choices for your relationships.

Since only a small percentage of the population has a personality disorder and should be avoided, in other situations you have to decide what you want to do.

Deciding What to Do

Not everyone at work needs to be someone you favor or appreciate. What’s more important is being able to develop a professional, working relationship with them. While this may seem impossible in some cases, it’s not. One way to do this is to remember that you don’t have to like everyone, you just have to have enough mutual respect to get the job done. Even if your personal preference is to not have to spend time with a specific person, sometimes it’s out of your control. 

People often don’t understand why that one person who always acts poorly at work doesn’t get fired or how leadership allows terrible behavior and in my experience there are several reasons leadership allows this:

1. They don’t know- people can be really good at hiding their worst sides to the people that have the ability to fire them

2. They can’t do anything about it- For some reason, HR or otherwise, a leader is not empowered to manage this person out

3. They don’t care- They don’t see why it matters someone is jerk because they are delivering great results that is making the leader look good

While it can be frustrating to have leadership that doesn’t care about psychological safety and ensuring everyone on their team treats others with respect, you don’t have control over this so you have to decide how you personally want to handle the situation. 

Part of this decision is around deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with the person. Do you want to stay distant or do you want to improve the relationship? There is no right or wrong answer, just the right answer for you.

If you want to Improve the Relationship and Work on it:

Before you decide that a relationship is worth working on, you should ask yourself some questions: 

• Do you care enough about this relationship to improve it?

• What’s your motivation to improve it?

• Do you feel it can be improved?

• Does this person have the capacity to relate to others in a way that is not harmful?

• Are you willing to do the work to improve this relationship? 

• Is the other person willing to do the work to improve this relationship?

If the answers to the questions above lead you to a scenario where you want to work on the relationship, then you should definitely do it.

Finding out if the other person has the same desire is key because it takes two people to improve a relationship and if the other person isn’t committed to the change in the same way you are, you likely won’t get the results you want.

Once you confirmed that you are going to work to improve the relationship, here are some things you can do to bridge the gap:

1. Spend time with the person socially- knowing who someone is can help you understand where they are coming from and have more empathy for them

2. Make an effort to spend time with the person regularly- the more consistently and regularly you interact the easier it is to build the relationship

3. Openly communicate- the more you can share with each other, especially when you disagree, the closer will be to finding collaborative solutions that work for both of you

4. Handle conflict in a productive way- get help if you need it, but getting through conflict in a way that is beneficial to both parties can actually build trust. Learning to repair a relationship when there is damage is a critical skill that everyone should learn

If you want to Maintain Distance:

Accept that you don't have to be close to someone even if you work with them regularly. There is no reason to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you in a respectful manner. It's ok to decide that the best way to not let the person get to you is to maintain distance. You can’t use it as an excuse not to get your job done so figure out how you can do your job while maintaining distance. This may be hard for some people, but it’s the best solution to not getting too involved with someone that you don’t believe you can have a strong relationship with.

Ask for help, if needed, in this scenario. Let your boss know what is going on for you and how this person’s behavior is affecting you and garner their support. Often they know the worst offenders in the workplace and are willing to protect their team from disruptive personalities. 

Make sure to set boundaries, as needed. Be polite but there is no need to share more than necessary. You don’t have to let someone in more than you are comfortable with so set personal and professional limits where necessary.

Finally, recenter yourself around your job and what you are trying to accomplish. Sometimes working with a bully can make us not want to go to work but focusing on your own job and why you are there can help take power away from someone who tries to make others feel small. Direct your attention towards your professional goals and remind yourself how much you are accomplishing.

While difficult people are not something any of us like to encounter, they do provide us an opportunity to create strong boundaries and discern for ourselves whether a relationship is worth having. Having the wisdom to be willing to let go of having a specific type of relationship with our coworkers helps us use this situation to build resilience.